Really, I completely understand what you meant. No harm done - I wish we all had the answers of what do to :)
Oh my gosh...now that would be something wonderful!
I'm sure that you've spoken to the counselor ad nauseum but have you ever tried contracting with your daughter? Quid pro quo may be helpful too. I have 6 children and only my youngest (7year old) has diabetes and I am not looking forward to adolescence with her, especially with all of the blogs that I am reading! LOL Anyway, adolescence is a significant time of struggle. Their brains are developing intellectually but the one part of the brain that has not yet developed is the area responsible for discernment. So, one must appeal to their logical and emotional side to make it easier for them to discern between right and wrong. This involves significant and constant communication. Positive communication. My theory with my adolescents is keep teaching them until they make the right decision and never criticize the worng decisions, simply re-teach. Just like when they were two years old. And I never trust an adolescent. I always assume that they will make the wrong decision always, so I am mostly pleasantly surprised and praise them for just being them. (Of course, they don't know that I am so skeptical, but I do say to them a lot, "Well when I was your age I would have made the wrong decision) It's completely ok to let your teen know you were just like them or went through the same or similar things. One of the big emotional hurdles of adolescence is realizing your parents aren't perfect and dealing with anger over that. When you have a teen that is sneaky, secretive or withholds their feelings, this makes communication unbearably difficult. There are a bunch of family games out there which inadvertantly teach communication also. Fact or Crap, Moment of Truth, Truth or Dare (for teens), and team games where you need to cooperate with a partner. I never liked adults against kids games and this was one of those reasons. Creativity and spontaneuity is great during adolescence too. Weekend overnight excursionwith one parent to a nearby city to see a play or attraction. By removing them from the status quo it reboots their brain and helps them to refocus. The problem with a noncompliant diabetic teenager is that every time their glucose raises over 150, it can lead to end-organ damage. We as parents know this. The "I will live forever" mentality of adolescence doesn't care. So, we have to do all of the caring about their future. It's a great burden, I know. A physician friend once told me that he had never met a diabetic child that didn't have an inner spark that made them special. And that their parents were blessed with these children and blessed to be caregivers of these children. I agree with him. What you are dealing with is adolescence, not diabetes. Diabetes is just the unfortunate confound that causes fatigue, anger, and pain to everyone involved. Perhaps you and your teen may be able to separate the two somehow. God bless you both.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words and ideas. Sometimes I get so bogged down in the drama of the day, I lose my creativity, and even my logic, so it feels really good to hear your words of advice. Contracting with her is something we will definitely try - we sort of do it now, on really short terms goals, and we use quid pro quo quite often. I did the same thing last night - I told her I made a lot of the same mistakes that she is making now, and I was pretty rebellious, and I think back now all of the times I could have gotten into BIG trouble. Her having diabetes makes everything she does seem multiplied times 100. It is also so easy to forget that her brain is not fully developed and she doesn't have the same reasoning and judgement skills that we have. A lot of times, again, I get bogged down in all that is going wrong and I forget to think that she is very much like plenty of other adolescents her age. I used to work at a psychiatric hospital for children and adolescents on the adolescent unit, but all of my training and wisdom seem to go out the door when it comes to my own children. What makes it so difficult...she was the sweetest, most caring child with the softest feelings when she was little. She would be so upset and cry if she thought she hurt someone's feelings. Now it seems she could care less how she hurts us and how much stress our family has been under since all of this started. Her counsellor is the one who suggested this site - my daughter has indicated to her that because of her diabetes, her life "sucks." Anyway, we are trying our best to get through this, one day at a time. I am going to try to take a little "getaway" with her, something fun that she would enjoy. I liked that idea of "rebooting" her brain :) Thanks so much for all of your wonderful suggestions, and God bless you and your family! How is your seven year old daughter and the rest of your family handling her diabetes?
Awesome backround! Use it well! I always tell myself that whenever I get upset with someone, just treat them as I treat my psych patients. And boy does it take the stress off of me! Really. (I'm a Nurse Practitioner)
I'm doing a lot of "preventative psych" with my daughter. She's a very stubborn, smart girl who I am sure will be rebelling against me one day. (I think that this personality will also one day keep her on track and in control, though.) But I'm trying to prevent her from rebelling against her diabetes. I speak for her a lot because she can't always express in details why diabetes sucks. But as soon as we say something bad about diabetes, we talk about how well we're doing managing her diabetes.
You want to laugh? Background: My nine year old son is very accustomed to acting quickly to her highs and lows. My mother lives 5 houses away. Over the holidays, all my boys were home. (My oldest is 19 and away at college) I was at work. I got a call from my mom that Carol Ann had the stomach virus and wasn't keeping anything in. I called my sons and my nine year old answered. I told him that Carol Ann needed bananas because she was having diarrhea and asked him or his brothers to run them to Grandmom's house. My mother called me laughing hysterically. He had run the bananas over to her house wearing nothing but boxer shorts and shoes. In freezing weather. I'm new to the neighborhood so I can only imagine what the neighbors think of me now. LOL
You've got the psychology of a teen down pat, especially a girl. She thinks her parents know nothing, is secret and believes she will live forever. I like the idea of playing those truth or dare games. I need a gimmick. The "let's have a conversation about your diabetes" won't work. She is in denial that her life is difficult. As a matter of fact, she claims she is in total control, and the more I bug her about care, the worse it gets. So, I've taken to not nagging, just sneaking peaks at her monitor, or used needles. It's crazy to all but parents of diabetics. That's why speaking her makes so much more sense, than trying to explain it to my well meaning friends. Taking her away on trips solo is also a good idea-it could take pressure off and offer a bonding experience.
Thanks everyone for your stories and comments!
OMG - that is too funny! He literally ran them over huh, probably thinking he needed to act quickly - why bother with clothes?Sounds like you have a great support system at home. Hopefully the preventive psych will work with your daughter. We have always made the best of our daughter's diabetes, being very thankful it was at least a disease that we could treat. It's just the "invincible" young woman now has ideas of her own, and there's no telling her any different. Oh well, it makes for never a dull moment at home. Hope you have a very nice weekend :)
MOM I AM NOT NON-COMPLIANT!
stop making posts about me.
That is hilarious! I'm glad a teen chimed in! Everyone needs to know how each other is feeling! I think that non-compliance is a bad word. Non-adherance is what we (in the medical field) use now. No one in the world adheres to a completely healthy lifestyle, and everyone, including diabetics are non-adherant to varying degrees. But we must all keep trying. Each day is a new day to tell yourself, "Today I am healthy". Because diabetics feel so crappy so much of the time, it may be harder to give yourself pep talks every day. I'm overweight. It is so freakin' hard to stay on a healthy diet! And to exercise on top of that through my busy schedule! The only problem is that I don't have this looming threat of disability over me compelling me to do better or to do badly in futility, so I am nonadherant. There is a chronic disease that looms over me since childhood though, that I would rather die than have my children or family suffer with. I am so thankful that they do not have to suffer like I do. The necessary precautions for that disease process have always been a part of my life so I don't think about it anymore. Maybe that's why I do well with my daughter. I understand suffering. Maybe not highs and lows, but suffering nonetheless.
Don't get angry with your Mom. She is allowed to vent her frustrations just like you are. She sees nothing but the looming threat of disability over one of the most priceless things in her life. One day, when you have your own child, you will understand what that kind of love is. Until then, you will only have to assume and try to be understanding, just like we parents have to try to understand how you feel every time you are low or high. But always remember, everyone has their own cross to bear. Everyone struggles with some sort of pain in their lives and noone can judge another's pain, only try to support them through it. Both you and your Mom need each other. You always will.
Well after my posts were seen by my daughter, she became even more upset that I was writing about her. The only good thing was that she was able to see the frustration myself and the people around her are going through. Whether that makes any impact in the future, I'm not sure, but I hope so. Her suggestion to me was to not continuously bug her about taking her BG and insulin; that she can handle it all herself and given this control she will do better. I have yet to see this working.
Thanks everyone for your input!
LOL Hang in there. Every adolescant will advise a parent to quit "bugging" them, no matter what the topic. Apparently, something is going right for you two because I noticed in a previous blog that your daughter's latest HgA1C was 7.0. As long as she doesn't have many lows then this is a very good number. God bless you both! It truly seems though that both of you already are.
Hi there. No she doesn't have many lows...only too many highs, which is why my hair is graying. Well, I'm going to give her some slack and see how it works. Good luck to you too!
We're at the cusp. Our daughter has just turned 13 and I believe we're just starting to experience glimpses of what our diabetes educator calls "teenage brain tumor," a condition where a massive growth of stubborness, rebellion and denial enters the adolescent skull. This condition isn't unique to diabetics, but it certainly ups the ante since this altered behavior can have profound effects on your child's health.
A couple things to be aware of: 1.) hormones have a big time effect on blood sugars and insulin absorption, 2.) the battle for "control" in general can trigger a destructive spiral into behaviors like eating disorder.
These are tricky, tricky waters. Luckily, experience with our older daughter (non-diabetic) has pointed out some potential icebergs. Studying up on our own past experiences and learning from friends who have already gone through this already may prove to be our best compass.
Hi,
As a parent of a 13 yr old boy who was diagnosed in June 2006 I totallyunderstand your problem. He is currently going through the same issues. I find that the " don't care" corresponds to high sugars. He is a sweetie when the sugars are good. We found that having his diabetes Dr talk with him made some difference. the big difference was when they told him that they would take him off the pump until he began to check more.
I think the big issues with teens , is checking at school. They do not want to be singled out by having to leave the classroom and don't want to wait to eat. They generally have so little time to get food and eat. Having to check and then deal with the sugar reading takes up precious moments and often has to be explained to people around. It is fine for the teachers to say that they can leave the class for privacy etc, but then they are "different"
It really takes time and patience on the part of the parents . We withold xbox/computer time/priveledges until he gets back into the swing. We add extra things when he shows he can check
Good luck and keep me posted
I know what you mean about the "control" issue. The more vulnerable diabetics feel, the more they want to be independant. And Mom is the enemy in this age category of female teen, so I've heard.
Thanks for your thoughts.