I'm not sure how many of you have abused the power that diabetes gives you over people. But, I can tell you, and for those that have read the limited number of Malingering Series posts already know this, that I have abused that power an atrocious number of times. When I wrote the third, and last, part of that series, I felt more ashamed than I had in a long time. I felt a cowardice and like I was running from the situation rather than deal with it head on. The trial of Socrates is one of the most famous events in the ancient world, at least in philosophical terms. It set a moral guideline for those that came to be known as Existentialists, and really for anyone who strives for a moral fortitude that is above law, but still keeps that law as what it is for those around us, those that follows those laws. Socrates, a brilliant philosopher and thinker in general, was tried by a jury of his peers for blasphemy among other things. What he was lecturing on and teaching those that listened to him, is hardly considered blasphemous or heretical these days, but forward thinking is usually met with skepticism and fear. For his thoughts, he was condemned to death by poisoning. He accepted his fate as decided by those around him. He knew the laws, and faithfully followed through with his sentence, though not without first telling the people that had put him to death that he would live on well into the future, because the ideas he had put forth were timeless, and spoke to mankind as a whole. Then he drank the poison. Now, Socrates could have easily ran away from the situation and lived in exile somewhere, or chosen to kill himself rather than be sentenced by people who did not understand the breadth of what he thought, but he did not and died for his beliefs. Albert Camus, the Nobel Prize winning author and French journalist, followed Socratic existentialism during the Nazi occupation of France, fighting for the cause of freedom despite its obvious consequences. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of examples of this kind, but what is important to note is that they had accepted what they knew to be the beliefs of others, and were willing to die for their own beliefs. The connection I make here is that I have been running. I've been running since I was first diagnosed, and by using diabetes as an excuse to get out of situations, I have been worse than a mere malingerer. To malinger is to feign an illness in order to get out of something. I have been using the illness itself, and typically lying about it, to get out of something. That is abusing the trust of those around me in order to get what I want, and for that I am ashamed.
Tonight I malingered again to get out of the last two hours of my shift. I was thinking about it while doing dishes, and knew that I could never do it again. The pain I felt as I stared my boss in the face and blatantly lied about the condition I was in was unbearable. So, this entry marks a quest. I am going to live a year without malingering. This is to say that I cannot use diabetes as an excuse for anything anymore. Even if the situation warrants me needing an excuse, I will not and cannot do it. This blog will hold me accountable for my actions, and I hope that you, the reader, will also hold me accountable for what I do, because I am not in this alone. All diabetics are in on this. We all can better ourselves. The implications of doing something like this follow a pattern of betterment. Not only will I do myself a service by bettering my blood sugars, lifting the weight of lies off my conscience, and giving me a goal, but I will in effect help raise the image of diabetic to healthy plain. Hopefully, I can pull myself out the habit of using diabetes to my advantage and others disadvantage and practice freeing myself from the slavery of the lies I create, and help other people gain their freedom too.
So who's with me?
Good luck with your path of autarchy, I'm sure it will benefit you.