I've tried to not malinger for the past week. I've succeeded. But, in doing so, for this short amount of time, I've also realized that this malingering issue is the least of my worries. It was a nice distraction from what was going on in my life at that point, but it doesn't really help me sort out those problems.
For instance, I am having my first child in February. My wife is jealous because the child is not hers. I will travel to New York in mid-February to meet my son and see my ex-girlfriend for the first time since we left Arizona in July. Her family hates me because I got married to, and it wasn't to their daughter. Understandable.
So, if this is the case, how long could I have possibly known my wife before we got married. I assure you that in human years, it is almost nothing. We met at a bar and immediately hit it off. We laughed and even hung out after the bar closed. About two weeks later, she asked me to marry her. So we got married. Now, we are taking things backwards. After several weeks of feeling pressure to actually be a husband and wife from people around us, and even from ourselves, we have both become overwhelmed by emotions that are, in effect, driving us apart. So, to everyone else, we are husband and wife, but to us, we are simply boyfriend and girlfriend, still endowed with the freedom of choice, and yet faithful to our commitment to each other through the state of Texas.
These things aren't necessarily problems, but they certainly place a lot of stress on me to provide and actually be an adult every once in a while, something I've been wholly avoiding since graduating in May.
Some words of wisdom my sensei soga kiyozashi gave to me at the age of 14 that i believe you may find helpful in the coming months and years....." Life is not about what we choose to be or about what others expect and foolishy believe we should conform too. Ultimatley life is really what happens to us when our plans and the plans others have made for us fall apart and we realize who it is we are trully suppose to be. That is when an individual will actually make the frist choice they have ever made in their lives." Josh you need to realize that control is the first illusion and that destiny/ choice is only something that helps shape events in life but does not however determine who we are and what our purpose is in life. Look not to yourself or to others and pass the veil of preceptions and control then you can find solace in the fact that every action has purpose and eventually serves the greater good. A series of lessons that resides within each of us that both teaches and plays themselves out in our lives. I hope this helps.....