Dear Diabetes

My 17th "diaversary" is Tuesday.  I've had a lot of trouble the past couple of years dealing with diabetes and I finally feel like I've gotten to a point in my life where I can accept it and get back (and stay!) on track.  I've been working on an open honest letter to my diabetes and finished it tonight.  It's time to share it with those who want to read it.  So, here goes nothin'!  :)



Dear Diabetes,

You suck.  I hate you.  See what you do to me?  I’m an intelligent 20 year old female who resorts to talking to you in a sixth grader’s vernacular.  You’d think that after 17 years I’d have a hold on you.  I’d have you under control.  But the past several years have been the most out of control years of my life.  You’ve ruined my relationships with close friends and family.  You’ve made me question nearly every aspect of my life.  Like I said, I hate you.  No, I don’t hate you.  I loathe you.

You took a three year old and made her mature WAY too early.  When her friends could lick the extra peanut butter off of the knife in pre-school she couldn’t because that would affect her blood sugar too much.  When her friends could run in the house and grab a cookie she had to wait until her snack time at 2:30.  When she wanted to play hide and seek in the basement she had to pay attention to every shaky feeling.  Forget running around all day.  What if she was low?

How could you do this to such a good family?  My parents didn’t deserve to have to deal with this.  My parents are good, no they are great, people.  They took such amazing care of me.  Every single snack and meal were precisely planned.  Blood sugars were constantly checked.  They didn’t deserve that.  They just wanted to have healthy kids.  Then you hit them with this.  Why in the world should they have had to constantly worry?

Because of my parents diligent care you were almost non-existent.  Over ten years of excellent care.  Of course there were small setbacks.  There were times when I would cry in the bathroom at school because I couldn’t eat the special birthday treats the other kids were eating.  Or I would have to walk the halls before lunch because I was high.  You made me different during the years when being unique was the worst thing in the world.

During this phase of my life it was time for me to start taking more control of you.  This is where you came roaring back with a vengeance.  I still don’t remember exactly when you become such a jerk.

But I do remember when I got so sick of you.  I was at dance team camp and all the other girls were snacking on cookie dough and chips.  For over 12 years I’d denied every single food I’d ever wanted to eat because it didn’t fit into my strict schedule.  You just became too much and I broke.  I didn’t care if you were high in the morning.  I just wanted to take that cookie dough and shove it in my mouth and not count how many carbs I’d just ingested.  So I did.

After that rebellion I was scared.  You scared me.  It was out of control and different and I didn’t like that.  So once again I was pinned under your thumb.  Then the next time I got sick of you it got easier to ignore you.  And it just got easier and easier.

As I thought you were getting quieter you were really yelling and berating me but I chose to wear ear plugs and ignore your incessant complaints.  As I thought my life was finally in my own hands and in my control it was really just spiraling out of control.

Little did I know that soon my weight would become a constant thought.  Little did I know that I would soon be restricting my insulin to lose that extra weight that came along with ignoring your strict carbohydrate counts.  Little did I know that because of you and all of your little friends I’d completely lose my mom’s trust.

My mom used to be my best friend.  I looked forward to spending all day shopping with her.  Now after years of dealing with you she doesn’t trust me one bit.  You contributed to the lies I told her.  It was when I was high and crabby that I shouted at her and told her absolutely terrible things that I never actually meant.  She only wanted the best for me.  And because of you I’ve lost all of that.  She doesn’t even like talking to me anymore.  My own mom finds it hard to even hug me.  I completely blame you.

I’ve finally started using an insulin pump.  This is by far your most formidable opponent.  I can’t restrict insulin anymore.  It’s constantly dripping into me.  I’m finally in control of you again.  But this time it’s not because of my parents constant watchful eyes.  I’m doing this myself.  I can beat you down.  I can’t ever get rid of you on my own but oh my gosh I’m going to do everything to beat you down.  I’m going to live with you but you’re not going to have near the control over me that you’ve previously had.  It’s time to overthrow you.

Like I said, you suck.  I hate you so much.  I loathe you.  The day that you’re cured will be the happiest day of my life.  One day you’ll officially be out of my life.  But until then I’m going to live with you and beat you.  I’m going to win.

I’m not a diabetic.  I’m a person with diabetes.  Don’t ever think you’ll define who I am.

 

Sincerely,

Kay